Monday, April 28, 2014

Illness, self-pressure and balance!

Remember my last post..."Expect the Unexpected" well apparently the universe has an interesting sense of the only thing I got to do to my room was empty it, get rid of all the mould and do a first coat of polycell basecoat on the back wall and then I got knocked on my butt because I got sick with a really horrendous cold....which I didn't expect....yup typical. So I thought - now I am on the mend with only a linger side-effect of nasal catarrh (yes lovely and ladylike.....sigh) I thought I had better pop in and dust this place off to let peeps know I haven't forgotten about my blog! Now I'll warn you I am in a rambling mood so you may want to read later as this could get long....what can I say - my fingers missed the keyboard!

So I will be getting on with my bedroom but I will also be doing a post for my beautiful patron Hecate - as I had a new statue of her delivered....and it is beautiful! She is in her triple form - I shall be updating soon* with some pictures - *by soon I mean this month.

One thing I have learnt again this year is that I pressure myself way too much and by doing everything all at once to the point where I make myself ill. I am a perfectionist and I have high standards. As two traits they aren't bad but they don't usually equate to relaxation or happy health. I need to learn to let things go, to let things be and not to try and control things all the time. I also need to learn it is ok for things to not be "perfect" as nothing is ever perfect - that's the point of life - if everything was perfect it would stagnate and nothing would evolve or get better. Life is suppose to be messy, silly, fun and on occasion chaotic.

I need to stop putting myself under so much pressure that I get ill. Trying to do everything at once is too much and my body keeps revolting but I keep ignoring my body and carrying on anyway. Apparently this is a lesson I keep having to repeat - so after anti-biotics in Nov/Dec 2013, Anti-biotics for most of Feb 2014 and now two weeks ill with a horrendous cold (April 2014) perhaps I will learn. The problem comes from my anger...which is not conductive to healing. I have tasks I want to do - studying, lessons, decorating, and lots more spiritual and mundane goals and I pile them up....and get myself to do it all - online/offline - homework, more homework, reading, studying, catching up with friends, doing stuff in  the house, decorating and planning my room, planning an new altar in there when its finished - I am even talking about painting and fixing the paint in other area's of the house....and I haven't even done the room I have cleared at the moment. I pile it all on and then I get stressed and angry cause I can't do it all at once and then I get ill - which makes me more angry - at myself. The self-anger is horrible...because it doesn't achieve anything other than making me more anger and miserable after throwing all that negative self-talk at myself. As a witch you would think I would know better but I'm only human and we mess up!

I need to learn to let life flow...let my anger go...I need to stop taking my anger out on myself and blaming my body for my getting ill when the root cause is my attitude and my actions. I need to take better care of me and I need to adjust the way I do things - this pattern (cause after goddess knows how many years you'd think I would notice it) has become evident. Going through old journals just shows how I get myself more and more worked up and stressed  by my lists of things to-do and I put too much emphasis on what I have gotten done. Its all well and good getting lessons done quickly, studying done, books read, decorating finished,  etc but when your weeks start to become all about what needs to be done and how much of a failure you think you are when your list is not ticked off by the end of the day something is very wrong!

We are here to enjoy life  too- it is meant to be a gift. Now balance...(internally groans) is hard for me. Its one of those lessons that will take a good part of my life to learn but I think in order to deal with this self-pressure I inflict I need to look at the balance in my life. So I am going to deal with health, spirituality and mundania - they need better balance but they also need meshing better. Now I am desperately trying to not write a list for this....but aura cleansing, charka cleansings and yoga need to be fitted in every week. My daily devotions always energise me and I never forget to do them - even when ill! My health - I need to eat more fruit....but instead of the 5 a day I usually try and pressure myself into I shall go with a couple a week. Now mundania....I need to remind myself I am painting a bedroom....all white - there isn't much I can do wrong....I mean its all white - my inner perfectionist needs to chill out and enjoy the music I am going to play instead of worrying. I can take as long as I need to (even though I expect myself to do it asap so it can be finished with) as I am camping out in the living room so there really is no rush - yes it means putting studies on hold, not completing lessons at my online witchy colleges but it is a temporary break - not the end of the world.

Honestly is all the pressure we put on ourselves in this century worth it - really - all them to-do lists and lists of achievements - if you don't look after your inner self and your health - are those long lists of things done worth it. I see a ton of people pressure themselves everyday - especially with social networks and although I love my friends and my networks I have regular breaks from FB and online because you need to recharge (being ill gave me this break recently) because I think this society actually makes it easier for us to pressure ourselves and to judge ourselves (and others!) way more harshly than we need to. Comparing our lives and what we can do with what other people do is a useless waste of time - yet we do it constantly and it is ridiculous as we have no idea what there lives are like - there's a saying I like (not that I can recall who said it)...if everyone was to put there problems in a heap - after seeing everyone else's problems people would want their own back! So we should all look into not pressuring ourselves, comparing our lives and just do the best we can - because at the end of the day your best is good enough!

So what did I learn this month....well for one thing as a witch or a woman - we can't do it all!!